Here We Go

As I sit in my backyard, burned out from stressing too much about the packing and the check-in and all that, I've kind of got to wonder why on earth I want to leave all this for something new/wild/potentially dangerous/scary. And the answer is adventure, this crazy idea that I've got in my head that I need to go off and do something new/wild/potentially dangerous in order not to feel like everything has become too tame. It's much easier to get into that mindset when you're sitting around a dorm room feeling stircrazy, but harder when you're about to step on that 747 for the next fourteen and a half hours. This is a much bigger adventure than any of my other wilderness excursions or going to college or even heading out to a party you don't want to go to. This seems pretty damn real to me, but at the same time unfamiliar, thus the fear. In the end, though, I know all this worry is pointless. I'll go to Bali. I'll get really into it after a few weeks of adjustment. I'll deal and adapt. And in the end, I'll be pretty happy. So maybe all the daydreams about my triumphant returns to LA/Williamstown are silly, but they're keeping me going right now. We'll see what the daydream is in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, I'm off. This is it. Let's take that hill. I'll be seeing y'all later, hopefully posting at you with something resembling regularity and substance. Shoot me an email if you've got stuff to say (if you're a person to be emailing me, you know the address. If not, then I probably don't like you anyways). Future Balinese friends: hello! I'm very nervous about meeting you. The title here is a reference to a book I enjoyed, not a comment on your island or an indication of my behavior while I stay there. And one last word to future me: this better be worth it, punk, otherwise I'll be waiting in your subconscious with a big "I told you so" and a few other choice words not fit to publish on this family blog. Otherwise godspeed, we're all excited for what happens next.

Token Dude

Not to have the pre-departure posts eclipse the actual news from Bali or get out of hand or anything, but I thought I'd share that I got the list of everyone else who'll be going to Bali. It's me and thirteen girls. I will be the only western guy around (discounting instructors/tourists) for three and a half months. The expedition has taken on an air of farce, and it's a sign of how bewildered/burned out I am that I can't even place what I think is a reference there. T minus one week to departure.

Visa

So I now have a visa. It came in the mail last week, just my passport in a really big envelope with this official looking sticker on one of the pages, signed and ready for me to spend an inordinately long amount of time in a very foreign place. In case you couldn't tell, this post catches me at one of those "I really don't want to be going to Bali" moments. I'm leaving college (where I spent the summer) and my friends/good times to go home for a few days, an equally friendly and safe experience, before going off into the great unknown. My question is why, when I've got everything in my life all lined up and nice and cozy and generally in control, do I want to leave it behind and do something that I don't have even the faintest inkling how it will turn out (nice sentence structure there)?

Time for the "reasons why I want to go to Bali" section of the blog. Way long ago I was sure that I'd want to study abroad in college. I was thinking Australia, maybe Italy, something fun and western and stuff like that. I really didn't think much about it when I got to college, being more occupied with the heady "oh look I'm in college!" rush, but when sophomore year and decision time came around, I decided that the thing I'd like to be most in this world is a JA, the Williams equivalent of an RA, but much cooler because you are more of a friend and mentor to your wards than a warden. However, the application process is extremely competitive (because everyone wants to do it), so I looked at studying abroad as a backup. I decided that I would have to do one or the other with my junior year, or otherwise I would feel like I squandered an opportunity. While staying at college and raising freshmen was the most appealing, I looked at my studying abroad ideas from years ago, and did some tweaking. If I were to give up a semester of glorious college time, I'd have to do something that would be very difficult/almost impossible to do after college. I also wanted an adventure, something out of the ordinary, but nothing too wild and scary. And above all, I wanted to become a part of whatever culture I decided to live in for three months instead of just being an observer. So Bali just kind of fell into place: a homestay in one of the most friendly and welcoming cultures around (I hear), but at the same time a culture completely different from my thoroughly western ways. And then when I, after some excruciating time on the waitlist, didn't become a JA, I found myself heading for Bali.

So I guess it's a bit rough, what with the process and all. I didn't really weight the implications of my naive desire for adventure and now find myself scared and bitter that I won't be on campus in the fall. Looking at it the other way, because I'm not a JA and most of my friends will be gone in the fall too, being on campus would have been an even more bitter/lonely experience as just another junior. Besides, classes and the general campus vibe are more fun in the spring, even though the weather blows. I spend a lot of time now thinking about my triumphant return to Williamstown, but first I have to get myself through this semester. And by through I mean I have to get to Bali and then be wowed by the charm of being abroad. I always get like this before some big change (like college) and then end up enjoying it. It's just hard to deal with right now. So I decide to share with the internet, always a great call. In other Bali news, my girlfriend's visa hasn't come yet, which is also immensely stressful, so hopefully that shows up soon. In the mean time, more fretting alternated with mild excitement for me.

Pre-Departure Blues

The hardest part about leaving, in addition to the uncertainty, is this kind of intangible sorrow that follows whenever I have to say goodbye to people. Even though I'm only going to be gone for a little over three months and will have some form of internet to communicate with whoever wants communicating with, it still sends a little pang when I sit down and realize that I won't see person X or group Y for a very long time. I just spent the weekend seeing off three friends, one of whom is going away to Paris for a full year, and it was pretty difficult. Personally, I think it's the perceived loneliness of abroad combined with that fear of the unknown- it would be much easier to do Bali if Bali was just like this summer's group of friends transported to another country. That way there would be no missing out on anything, everyone would still be together, all that good stuff. (As an aside, I'm pretty lucky in that I get to go abroad with one of my very good... the hell with it. My girlfriend is coming with. No sense in hiding that. So that's a pretty solid social base/support net I have there). But still, continuing my misplaced parenthetical thought, it's difficult to leave friends behind, even if all the friends are leaving each other behind. It's nice that we're (well, I am) so happy and delighted and entertained by everyone that it bums us out so much to go, but at the same time it's just making the transition even less pleasant.

Just thought I'd share that, more for me to look back on than for you, unless you happen to be one of these aforementioned friends being left/leaving others behind. In which case, you're not alone, we can have a nice big blues fest and then rejoice in the thoughts of our eventual reunion. In more pertinent news to the trip, still no word on visa acceptance yet, but I'm sure it'll be on its way soon enough. Only for distant thoughts of packing and attempts at getting back into an excited mood.